12.26.19 // This is Me.

This is me.
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The other day on IG, I was asked point blank: “Are you happy?”.
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I tried to give a brief note of truth, but I should elaborate...
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In simple terms? No.
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This year has been one with tremendous highs. Highs that felt like they danced on mountain peaks. This year has been filled with tremendous lows. Lows that felt like they crawled on deep dark canyon floors.
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If I’m honest? Several curve balls hit me significantly harder than I probably led on or showed.
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On the surface, I tried to keep an external appearance that these unexpected curveballs may have happened, but I was handling them, taking responsibility for any role I played in them, and doing deep work to grow from them.
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In reality, they rocked me. Hard. There would be (are) moments where tears would gather in my eyes, moments where I’d be overwhelmed by the thought of making it through another day of being directionless, and moments where it felt like my heart (which is usually bursting with love) was broken in a very real way.
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Both sides of my emotional narrative are the truth, what is being seen on a surface level and the storm that I sequester deep down. I’m learning to find comfort in the in-between, in the unknown, but I have a long way to go.
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In the meantime, I’m going to lean into my storm without letting it overtake me and I will feel it deeply. I want to feel the pain as real as raindrops fall on my face and mix with my salty tears.
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I’m going to lean into the light, the movement away from the storm. The growth that comes after those breath-stealing twists of life. I’ll continue to own my actions/words in a way that I’m proud of, I will try at all costs to keep toxic (in any form) from spilling into my life, and I’ll see the light in every new squall forming.
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So, while my answer isn’t rainbows and butterflies, it’s real (without going into specific details about this year’s events).
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Please remember that humans are so much more than a smiling picture. I’m attempting to show my heart (and will continue to do so) because I hope if you feel this way too (that storm brewing inside, a broken heart, or a lack of happiness), you know you’re not alone. I’m right there with you.