1.1.20 // 2019 Review.
Every year I pick a word for the new year.
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This is a tradition that my best friend, Nick, and I started way back in 2015…. 2016 was my year of courage, 2017 I failed to pick a word (oops), 2018 was my year of truth and 2019 was my year of growth.
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Oh, the irony.
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I remember picking my word for 2019. I was sitting in Bishop, California. It was snowy and blissful. Nick and I were texting ideas and I just felt this pull for “more.” I felt a need to continue expanding and like 2019 would be the year to push myself. I wanted a word that would capture the expanse of self that I felt like I was on the cusp of. So, “growth” it was.
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2019 has been one hell of a year and while I’ve always used my word of the year to guide my decisions, this past year didn’t need my guidance. Ready or not, the world was ready to push me into growth….
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But what is growth without reflection? And that is exactly what I want to use this post for. Reflection and understanding.
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Channeling the guidance of Chris Guillebeau, I’m outlining the next part of this post as he suggests. It is not nearly as detailed as it probably should be, but it’s a start…
What Worked in 2019
Leaving my all-consuming tech job in San Francisco. I never thought I would leave my job without having something lined up. Thriving off the security of a routine, a consistent paycheck, and the knowledge that I have health insurance has been my norm since college graduation. Leaving Lime was a huge decision for me and there are still days where it all feels very surreal. It has also forced me to face a lot of demons… “am I living this life for me? Or for someone else… Do I want to stay in the competitive world of startups? Am I willing to put my happiness and joy on hold for a price tag?” However, leaving Lime has granted me time and space to think critically about what I want life to look like. I still have no answers to life’s big questions, but removing myself from a position that was mentally draining will continue to grant me space to figure out a course correction on my life.
Saying Yes. In 2019 I said yes to so many things. I pushed my comfort level and opted to try anything and everything that came my way... I said yes to solo camping trips, solo road trips with Scout, and solo international travel. I said yes to meeting new people and joining experiences like going to a Burning Man party in Tahoe with complete strangers, being gifted a concert ticket to a soldout show I wanted to go to (Jungle at the Fox in Oakland), hip hop classes, and surfing with friends on warm days in the bay. I said yes to personal growth opportunities, like helping a good friend test her life coaching, taking a youtube course to see if I wanted to develop a channel, and journaling more. I said yes to swimming in almost every alpine lake I passed, joining impulsive trips to meet friends (where I said yes to getting that tattoo I had been wanting for years). I said yes to being more comfortable with myself and expressing that vulnerably online and through moments like ecstatic dance in San Francisco. In 2019, I started to commit to the idea that I want to be exhausted by the time I’m 80 and the only way I’m going to do that is if I say yes. I think this past year has set up 2020 for me to be even more powerful with my “yes.”
I walked away from toxic situations with people who may not have been right for me. There were a couple of big moments in 2019 that I walked away from that were extremely difficult. I take full responsibility for my part in showing up in an extremely toxic way, but I’m proud that I was able to see that and take the steps I needed to remove myself from those situations. It is hard to walk away from those moments and for anyone who has experienced this, it can be heartbreaking. But, this helped me take a step away from my usual inclination to endlessly people please and to prioritize my mental health and well being.
Accepting Help. I deeply struggle with letting others help me. As I mentioned, I am, by nature, a people pleaser and struggle to inconvenience anyone. But this year forced me to accept help. Close friends helping me with my surgery on my collarbone, gaining advice from friends for my first solo international travel trip, and earning extremely powerful work mentors...I realized this year that people want to help you succeed and I’m doing myself a disservice by assuming I’m not worthy enough or thinking they don’t “actually want to help.” I imagine this will be a continued battle in 2020, but 2019 was a turning point of understanding.
What Didn’t Work in 2019
Caring what others think (i.e. insecurity). This is extremely dangerous for me and something I grapple with daily and will continue to be a challenge in 2020. It’s what kept me in my work position so long, it’s what gives me anxiety regarding my body, and what fuels so much fear over my decisions. It even stemmed so deep that I struggled to tell my therapist everything because of fear of judgment... I also think this triggered me to be hard on others as well. My insecurities making me more critical of those around me because of my own deep-rooted fears and feelings of not being good enough,
Ignoring red flags. You know that little voice in the back of your head that speaks up when something isn’t right? I did a GREAT job ignoring it several times in 2019 which landed me in some situations that could have been avoided. Do I regret those decisions? Hell no. But I silenced my inner voice when I should have been listening and training it to speak louder.
Making Assumptions. This was something I realized towards the end of 2019. I realized that while I love communication, in moments where communication was lacking or I felt unsafe communicating my thoughts or feelings I would just assume what someone was thinking. Dangerous… It was a great reminder to communicate, and over-communicate to play it safe if needed.
Lessons Learned (re-learned)
Present Living. Just do it. Put that fucking phone down and interact with the beautiful souls around you. Remember that the future does not exist and neither does the past so be fully engaged with what does exist, the present.
You’re allowed to take things slow and own not knowing. Life is full of a false sense of urgency. Stop letting society trick you into thinking time is linear and your clock is running out. It’s not.
Breath, like actual breathwork. Deep inhales and deep exhales.
Have patience, especially with the people closest to you where your patience seems the thinnest.
Trust openly but be smart. Listen to your inner voice but don’t be afraid to break down walls, lead with vulnerability, and put yourself out there.
Try to release other people’s opinions about you. Do you hear the beat of a different drummer? MARCH TO THAT BEAT BABY.
Stop judging. It’s toxic and shows your insecurities.
Your worth is not your weight. Exercise makes you insanely happy. Prioritize it, but don’t feel guilty for not being the fastest or the best.
Vulnerability is not a weakness. It’s a path to connection, true connection.
Community exists everywhere. It’s not just in the physical. All you have to do it open yourself up to it. Let people in.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions when you’re uncomfortable.
Communicate. And over-communicate.
Set boundaries. Be clear in those boundaries and set them for everyone. No one should be exempt after all, the only people who will be mad at your boundaries are those who benefit from you not having any.
Keep a childlike wonder even to the familiar places and situations.
STOP MAKING ASSUMPTIONS. Instead, just ask.
Buy friends coffee, no matter the distance (thank you Venmo for making this possible).
So, growth…
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It’s been one hell of a year.
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And while I’ve very ready for a new word in 2020, I think 2019’s word planted a seed. “Growth” has become something that I lust for even if it comes at the cost of some pain along the way. So, thank you 2019 for laying that foundation. I’m deeply grateful.
