8.9.23 // A Happy Body?

*Disclaimer: ED Trigger*
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In the last few months, I've been happier than I could have thought possible.
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Months ago when my happiness took a beautiful uptick, I was so present, so dialed to my current state that nothing else existed outside of those precious moments.
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I've sipped beers on patios, shared late-night bowls of cereal, exchanged squares of Ecuadorian chocolate over secrets, and eaten waffle cones for a special now 12-year-old's birthday and for no reason.
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I didn't think about the food I was eating because I was focused on the moments, the celebrations, and the shared experiences solidified through sharing meals. But as the weeks passed and my happiness became a consistent hum and an unwavering new normal, my "seamless" relationship with food and my body that I had gotten used to started to take on some of its old habits...
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Before the happiness uptick, I experienced some brutal emotional months. In December, I had friends who asked me to take pictures of the food I was eating so I would remember to eat and not completely let my emotions erode me. In January, running was nearly impossible because the high-intensity sport would bring up debilitating emotions. Then after that, I found a rhythm of control, cutting out the occasional beer because I knew couldn't handle the things it would unlock in my mind, running more obsessively, and controlling the types of food I was eating.
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Some would say I was in the "best shape of my life." And sadly, ​I received that comment more than once. ​My body was in great, society-applauded shape, but at what cost did that come to my mind and an eating disorder that I thought I had dropped in my early 20s?
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So here I am, content and triggered... seeing the trauma and refusing to let it take hold of me. I'm not sure if disordered eating ever truly goes away, so learning to be aware and working to radically accept that less-than-glamorous part of myself has been important even in my happiest moments. But I think equally as important, is knowing that as the trauma of earlier this year fades so will the old ED voice while my unwavering contentment continues.