9.4.23 // Ambivalence
Ambivalence.
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I was inspired by my friend Allie's latest newsletter, "The Mirror of Ambivalence." @whatthehutch, thanks for always making me think and allowing me to use my philosophy degree.
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"Ambivalence implies quite the contrary of not caring; it’s a torn state between opposing forces. 'The prefix, as in ambidextrous, means both. The rest of it, in Latin, means vigor. The word suggests you are torn between two opposing courses of action.' Ambivalence is not merely about making a choice; it’s about the inherent conflict within the self. [Ambivalence] represents a deeper confrontation with one's identity. Ambivalence is not mere indecision but a profound state where conflicting truths coexist."
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Allie found a word for a feeling I've felt cconsistently in my adult life.
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Ambivalence feels like being caught in a state of potential, a feeling of "should I stay" or "should I go," a feeling of being one person but also another.
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It's blissfully brutal and beautiful to be ambivalent because it is a slowed-down version of the usually rapid change we undergo as human beings. In those molasses-like moments, the weight of our indecision can feel debilitating because no matter what choice is made, the tension of conflicting truths trips us up in the understanding of where we came from, who we want to be, and who I am in this moment. But ambivalence doesn't have to feel that way.
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Allie posits that "by embracing ambivalence, we don’t just choose a path; we choose who we wish to become. So, as we stand at the crossroads of conflicting truths, let us remember that choosing is not just a resolution but an affirmation of our ever-changing selves."
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A choice made out of ambivalence feels like a bet on who we are trying to become and where we are going in this one precious life.
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However, placing that bet doesn't rush the state of ambivalence.
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Like Allie says," embrace ambivalence." For me, this means we embrace the curious stage of the in-between. While it can feel debilitating at moments, the liminal space grants us the time and space to ask the questions of deep self-discovery, where we learn the path of where we were, who we are, and where we are going.
