3.5.20 // I wasn't supposed to...

I wasn’t supposed to...
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I’m furious.
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I’m so insanely angry…
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This fury is aimed solely at myself.
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I’m so angry at myself, for letting myself fall for you.
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I knew I needed to heal. I knew I needed to feel the freedom and pains of being alone. I knew I needed to run wild through this life. The life where the windows are rolled down, the music is blasting, and the road in front of me is empty with opportunity and the horizon is filled with mountains.
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I was just emerging from the toxic wasteland I stupidly stumbled into. Slowly, methodically, I was crawling forward, one step in front of the other. Slipping, falling, and realizing as I moved further away how poisonous the landscape really was. The haunting ghosts of aggression, control, and belittling words lingered even as the wasteland faded over my shoulder. I was supposed to deal with those ghosts, suffer from my choices, and shed my tears in secret.
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I was supposed to be alone, I was supposed to be jaded, I was supposed to be cold and skeptical of love.
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And I was.
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Then there you were.
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You weren’t a knight, you didn’t tell me the lies you thought I wanted to hear, you didn’t act like you had it all together, you didn’t have shiny armor or a white horse or even pretend like you did… but you had curiosity and empathy. You listened while I talked, you asked me questions when I tried to deflect, you held my hand when my eyes welled with tears of frustration or fear.
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We were supposed to be just friends.
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We were supposed to spend time abroad running through the streets of foreign places, sharing plates of mysterious food, and sharing awkward sleeping spaces.
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You weren’t supposed to run into my toxic wasteland just to show you would support me while I walked out. You weren’t supposed to hold space and show love without stipulations and demands. You weren’t supposed to encourage my wild needs, my ways of dealing with mourning, my fierce bouts of anger, and debilitating moments of anxiety.
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You weren’t supposed to show me what a life full of love could look like. You weren’t supposed to show me the capabilities of humanity… 
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None of this was supposed to happen.
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But, then there you were…