6.5.21 // I am not good at apologizing

It has taken me 30 years to realize and admit that I am not good at apologizing.
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And before I go on, I'm really calling myself out on this one. I'm usually vulnerable, but this is a sensitive area for me. I have a deep aversion to conflict and an even deeper desire to people-please. I'm sharing this not for sympathy, but to hopefully inspire some of your own introspection around apologies...
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For this post, I'll also be talking specifically about my romantic relationship apologies because that's really where I fail at apologizing.
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Why do I fail at apologizing in romantic relationships?
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Let's dig in... First and foremost, I want to be perfect. Stemming from a "hero-child" trauma response, I take criticism from my partner as "I'm failing." I become very defensive, wanting to protect and validate myself. Even though my failing isn't from my partner's feedback, it's from the inability to listen and the heckles that rise into defensiveness instead of the opportunity to grow.
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So when I apologize, I often include the word "but." BUT, using that word nullifies any attempt at apologizing because I am justifying my actions instead of listening, understanding, and respecting my partner's feelings.
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Defensiveness is the enemy of connection and apologies. Instead of listening to my partner and hearing their feelings, I'm often looking for something in their words to disagree with or am distracted preparing my response. So, am I really listening? No.
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But here is the thing, an apology is a gift to the person, a gift to myself (being vulnerable, owning up to my mistakes or hurting someone's feelings), and a gift to the relationship. Apologizing isn't a weakness because if you are truly partners, one person shouldn't be right or wrong. It's about being in it together.
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I learned a lot about how to apologize on a Brene Brown podcast featuring Harriet Learner. It's a two-part podcast, but within minutes it had me taking notes and realizing just how wrong I've been approaching apologies for YEARS.
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If you're a human, I would encourage you to listen because humans hurt other humans even unintentionally, and learning how to show up for our mistakes is so critical and also so damn freeing.
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So here's to freeing ourselves from the confines of poor apologies.