1.15.20 // I wrote this a while back...

I wrote this a while back.
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I wrote this the first week of December to be exact…
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Then I sat on these words. I sat on them because it felt too painful to share the truth. These words didn’t feel like the Liz I wanted to be, this wasn’t the Liz who I wanted to show up in the world. I thought if I had shared them I would somehow trap myself in the emotion.
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Now I know this isn’t true… and I’m working on sharing vulnerable moments in real-time, but it’s something I’ve struggled with. Bear with me while I work on it.
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Since writing this, in even just one month, my life has drastically changed. My senses have come back, my lust for a new day has been rejuvenated, and my mind feels the vibrant world around me. However, I stumbled across this note and I wanted to share because if you feel this way…. please remember that you can never predict what unexpected series of events will bring you up off your knees.
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I’ve felt it for a long time. This overwhelming sensation.
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My body has started to not feel like my own. My eyes have felt heavy, weak, and as if they are consistently on the verge of producing tears. My stomach turns knots, my head aches a dull throb from the moment I wake up, and my smile is evident but empty.
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My mind vacillates between overactivity, overstimulation, and overthinking to a flatline filled with loss of hope, withering confidence in myself and the world, and letting myself fall victim to hours of brainless activities and mindless scrolling.
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My senses dulling with each passing day. Colors no longer seeming so bright, smells barely scented, foods I love tasting bland, touch feeling cold, words losing their meaning.
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Several parts of an old me are dying. And it’s been one of the most painful experiences I’ve had in my adult life.