6.3.21 // the past year changed me

The past year has changed me.
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Not just in small ways, but in fundamental ways.
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The last year was full of uncertainty on all fronts of my life. I clung desperately just like you might have to shreds of sanity, grounding, and stability.
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However, a lot of these fundamental changes were long overdue and I'm grateful that I had the time and space to make these shifts.
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But there have been negative changes from the last year that are lingering and I'm trying to take the time to unwind their grasp on me.
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One of the biggest challenges I'm needing to face is learning how to exist in the world solo again. To do activities I love, alone.
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I've found so much solace in sharing activities with Taylor and I've clung to that in the face of the year of uncertainty.
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For example, trail running and hiking. For the last year, I felt immense guilt and fear every time I was on the trail. If something bad happened I didn't want to be a strain on an already struggling health care system. I never wanted to go on the trail alone, as if having someone there would keep me safe, would keep me from getting injured.
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I can’t help but reminisce on an old version of myself, one who took on trails with a fearless zest with my feet pounding the dirt, I was unafraid and wild to my core.
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It's true that the wildness lives on in me but now there are lingering fears that keep me from being unabashedly wild. And to be fair, the shock our nervous systems have had in this last year has been nothing short of dramatic.
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But, this week, I had my first day back on the trails alone.
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It was a beautiful reminder of who I am and who I want to be. It was the start of the unraveling- the nerves, the fears, the dependence.
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There is a long path ahead to unwind the adversities, challenges, and struggles that 2020 brought, but I know that I'm moving forward in finding myself again or even better, building myself to become an even better version of Liz.