12.2.21 // A coin flip

I flipped a coin.
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Since being back in North America and ending the last chapter of life in Europe, there have been some big lingering decisions that need to be made.
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And while Taylor is a part of those decisions, his flexibility and, of course, endless enthusiasm to support in whatever way needed, meant that those decisions have been sitting firmly on my shoulders.
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These lingering decisions have been extremely heavy over the last month, even when I would enjoy moments of present-living, it would only be a matter of time before I eventually crumbled under the weight of the unknown. I'd bring up options, use logic to attempt to know the "right choice," and talk them to death, It would leave me feeling drained, and stuck in a cycle... desperately wanting to make a choice, but scared to make the wrong one.
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So when I talked to my therapist last week, she stopped me in my "logic mind" spin cycle and told me, "Liz, do you have a coin? go get a coin."
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I rummaged through my winter coat pocket until I found a Euro still lingering. Then she told me to pick heads or tails for the decisions I needed to make. I did.
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Then I flipped the coin.
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And in the split second the coin rotated through the air, I was relieved. I was excited to try this method with Taylor later... but then the coin landed and the result felt like pure bliss. And my want to try the coin flip with Taylor all but vanished because I realized I didn't want to flip the coin again, I didn't want a different result...
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I'm sure some of the relief came from just having an answer at all, but it was in my "wise mind" and that immediate first reaction that I learned what I truly wanted. Sure, my "logic mind" started to pull my answer apart, talk me out of it, question my very feelings, but I think for the first time in a long time, I know, I know how I feel.
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I know how I feel, all thanks to a coin flip, and feeling the truth of my own reaction.