7.3.20 // COVID Testing

Yesterday was the 3rd time I've been preemptively tested for COVID since the start of the pandemic.
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I want to say I got the test this time because I am just that cautious about the situation, especially as I'm moving across the country.
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But, that isn't true. I got the test because I'm cautious about the situation but also because I probably haven't been as careful as I could have been in previous weeks.
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Does that make me careless? Does that make me a monster? Or does that make me a human?
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Over the course of yesterday, my guilt for putting others at risk ate me alive. I crumbled, I turned inward, closed off the world, my appetite vanished, I put my head down for work, and let my emotions consume me.
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I've been paralyzed with the need to make decisions around COVID in the past, and yesterday was an all-time low. My anxiety around COVID showing up with symptoms as deep and dark in my brain as the physical ones that manifest from the actual virus.
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Making decisions for myself is one thing, but having to make decisions for others and their value of life became unbearable. The thought of also losing opportunities to see people who make me feel alive, to hug them, to hear about their lives, broke me. I'm selfish. My wants and needs took over and my optimism for humanity severed at my core.
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Wear a mask, don't hug people, social distance. It seems so simple but in moments where all I want to do is grab a friend's hand, it is heartbreaking...
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You're not alone if you are STILL struggling during this pandemic. In America at least, it feels far from over but one day this won't exist and you bet your ass this pandemic is going to make me the touchiest friend when it is all over. I'm talking hand-holding, hair playing with, annoyingly clingy friend.
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And while all three tests came back negative, I know this is a marathon and my selfish needs and toxic anxiety will not get the best of me.
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Please be smart this 4th of July weekend.