11.7.21 // Disappointment and Expectations
Disappointment and Expectations.
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Did you know that these two things are deeply intertwined? It took me 30 years to see their clear definitions and finally grasp how disappointment and expectation circle each other in a continuous cycle.
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Disappointment: an unmet expectation.
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Expectation: a premeditated disappointment.
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Writing, and even re-reading those definitions feels heavy to me because it is so obvious how they fit together and yet the simplicity of the definitions doesn't ease the complicated nature of stopping the cycle once it is already in motion.
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For me, expectations are my means for control. As a recovering perfectionist (very much in the midst of still unlearning this), control is a way for me to handle and avoid judgment from others and from myself. I deeply struggle to ask for help and when I do, I have a small window of what that version of help "should" look like.
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So, not only do I have expectations of others when I ask for help, but I consistently hold myself to an expected standard that is impossibly high, implausible, and is an unhealthy way for me to regularly "keep myself down." If I can critique myself, I have something to concentrate on, something to fix. Heaven forbid, I'm good and worthy just the way I am... (sarcasm).
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The same goes for my control. If I can't turn over my request for help to someone I trust, then I can continue thinking and carrying the metaphorical "ticker" as part of my mental load, and THAT inevitably equates to disappointment even though I SET MYSELF UP FOR IT.
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Now again, I'm not saying it's as simple as just stopping the expectation/disappointment cycle... but what if it was that simple? What if I just stopped letting myself get looped in? What if I caught myself when it was happening and filled my brain with grace instead of disappointment, radical acceptance instead of expectations...
