12.5.19 // Anxiety.

Before I left Germany, I was overcome with intense anxiety.
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While, I’m still sorting the reasons why, this version of anxiety was new to me.
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I’ve had anxiety in the past. I’m not unfamiliar with panic attacks, and I knew my usual anxiety symptoms. However, before leaving Germany, my anxiety manifested in some very real symptoms I’ve never had before. I broke out in hives on my arms, I had a panic attack one morning where I couldn’t articulate words but tears silently streamed down my face, I was coming up on a couple of months of being unable to have a good nights sleep and for the last several days and even on the plane back to the states I dealt with some of the worst stomach aches I’ve ever felt. The only time it didn’t hurt was when I was asleep. But falling asleep was nearly impossible because of anxiety. A fun cycle.
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I emailed my therapist. But this felt bigger than me.
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Usually, I would need a perspective shift, talking to a close friend/loved one, or moving my body in some way and I could shake it. This was different.
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One of the strangest parts about this version of anxiety was that I felt guilty for showing up that way in the world. Like I should be ashamed for not being my usual positive self. At one point I even texted my mom, “I feel completely broken. Is it me mom? Am I just a broken piece of luggage?” (I was at the airport).
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Anxiety whether it physically manifests or not is very real. And as I’ve mentioned in the past with sharing these types of stories, I share because I want to help break the stigma and show that 1- it’s ok to talk about mental health 2- it’s ok to have anxiety. I shouldn’t feel guilty and neither should you.
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My ask of this community is to be curious and stay educated. If you don’t know about anxiety or maybe you've asked someone about their anxiety and they couldn't articulate the words, please do some light googling (or IG-ing) on how to interact and communicate with folks who have anxiety or triggers for it. I can't express how important it is to be armed with knowledge around the subject and I can vouch that it will help your relationships (chances are a friend, family member, or colleague has anxiety)!

Location: Dolomites, Italy