5.16.21 // immersed in my mind

I haven’t been able to write lately.
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I’ve been immersed in my mind in a way that has been all-encompassing.
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Not in a way that is a philosopher’s delight. Like slowly stepping up a mountainous trail, steps that are grueling but leading to something beautiful and rewarding.
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Instead, my thoughts have felt like a mist. Suffocating, blinding, confusing anyone who dares come to close. Losing my footing on my path forward every few steps.
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It’s been exhausting and I think in large part why I’ve been feeling so disheartened lately.
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But for the first time in days, the mist has lifted from the burning sun of comfort and grounding.
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I was wandering in the mist for weeks because I was uncertain of where i was going, ticking time bombs of decisions weighing in my mind, none of the options giving me resolution, none of my options feeling like a clear route out of the fog.
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But here is the catch. My own mind was creating the fog because of my own lack of perspective. I didn’t see any of the paths forward because I could only fear the potential for failure and disappointment. And my brain was trying to protect me. The last year has been, if truth be told, and a lot of truly disheartening changes, discoveries, and understandings.
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So I held myself in the fog like a hostage. Not letting myself breathe, not letting the sunrise. Keeping myself blinded with the pain of old wounds and fear of fresh ones.
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But life doesn’t end when you stop moving forward, the mist only thickens as you continue to suffer at your own hands, your own mind.
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But making choices, attempting to find my truth by facing the threat of failure, has given me clean air to breathe, the clarity to move forward, and my mind the rest it’s been begging for over the last few weeks.
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My mind had been screaming with exhaustion, but I never made the connection that it was due to my own indecision and lack of grounding.
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Are you keeping yourself locked in a mist? Have you felt the suffocating air of indecision and lack of grounding?
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The air is fresh out here my friends, if I can face my paralyzing fear of failure, I believe you can too.