7.24.20 // Independence

Independence.
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This is something I've always prided myself on, but sometimes I wonder if it's detrimental.
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I was brought up in a house that encouraged independence. My Mom raised my sister and me to be fiercely autonomous, driven, and bold.
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But, as I've gotten older I've noticed how independence can sometimes cross the line into control. A dangerous line to cross...
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Control keeps us in our self-manifested boxes, it pushes others away, and it makes us irritable when we start to feel like we are losing it.
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However, I don't think independence and control are synonymous. I actually think there is an element of choice involved, which often reflects our mental health. 1- In moments of unhealthy independence, we move towards control. 2- In moments of healthy independence, we move towards surrender.
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Surrender sounds like you're letting go, but it's not that, it is owning that you can't do everything on your own and that is powerful. It's a strength to surrender, even though it is often confused as a weakness.
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Am I good at surrendering? Hell no. It's ingrained in my blood to control in the name of independence. I even joke with friends that my "spirit animal" has changed as I've gotten older... moving away from a carefree golden retriever who thrives on rolling over to a coyote, roaming, and stalking around solo.
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But, I was recently reminded that it is never too late to let go and to surrender. Maybe that is letting go of the need to control something at work or letting go of resentment towards things in the past that didn't work out.
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Surrender doesn't have to be textbook either, it can show up in the spoken words of, "I need help" or from the whispers of turning things over in our own minds.
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I don't think we lose our independence if we lose our need for control, but I worry we lose ourselves if don't surrender.