5.25.21 // struggling to let love in

Sometimes I find myself.
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Sometimes I find myself struggling to let love in.
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I've struggled with it for years, but only recently I started to slow down enough to observe broken behavior from past trauma.
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I'll start with a small example- accepting compliments.
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It's very hard for me to accept compliments, kind words of praise, or warm thoughts of love. I've started to let them in more, but there is always this terrible nag of doubt in my mind. "Do they REALLY mean this" or "oh no no no, that can't be right, clearly they just don't realize I'm not X" or any number of variants.
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But a wise older friend told me that compliments are like flowers, people give them without expecting one in return and they are giving them to brighten your day, to show love. If you don't accept them, then it's like taking the flower and stomping it into the ground. A reminder I try to give myself when I find myself slipping into the "oh no no no" mindset.
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A bigger example- I have a fierce independence and an inability to ask for help even when I need it.
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We are not meant to go through life by ourselves, to fight tooth and nail to "do it alone." This, for me, is a trauma response. That I can only rely on myself, because if someone helps me and shows love, they would see my vulnerabilities, my weakness... then they might not love me at all anymore.
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So I chose to not let them love me fully because I can't see how they could love me as a whole (imperfect) person.
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I'm sharing this not for sympathy, but to show some of my cards. Cards that I imagine some of you may hold too and that is ok. It is ok to struggle to let other's love you especially if you can't find love for yourself.
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You're not alone.
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Holding these cards isn't easy, but putting them down and showing others the truth of your hand is powerful and a step in the direction to eventually put the cards that no longer serve you back in the pile.