2.26.23 // Lingerie

I've never thought I was soft enough to enjoy lingerie.
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I put myself in a box and told myself that I wanted to be sexy but more importantly, I needed and wanted my "base layers" to be "functional."
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I wore pieces that I could throw under running leggings at any moment, and could burst out in a sprint across an airport if I needed to.
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I have admired lingerie since I was a teen, appreciating the delicate nature of the lace, the designs, and the lines that held the pieces together. Still, I never let myself actually own something like the beauty of a silk robe or an intricate bralette.
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What I didn't realize in this appreciation yet distance, was a bigger struggle happening internally. That I was unable to balance my masculine with my feminine.
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I saw feminine as beauty but not as functional, powerful, and versatile because how can you be delicate and "get stuff done."
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See the narrative?
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I thought that in order to be successful, to feel successful, to be proud of myself, and to feel "sexy," I had to earn it. Usually, that was tied to more hours at work, more projects on my plate, and more money in my bank account...
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I didn't see the power that exists in me just solely being me. I didn't want to honor the beauty in me with beautiful, soft, intricate layers because I didn't see the feminine power in it. I only saw masculine power as valuable.
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But as I've been studying, having conversations with my mentors, and calling incredibly powerful women my friends, I've realized the subtle and also not-so-subtle feminine power that exudes from women for just being themselves- nothing to do with accomplishments, especially accomplishments tied to capitalism.
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I still have a lot to learn from them. But in the meantime, I'm going to embrace myself as the deeply feminine person I am that I've been too damn scared to show. I'll wear the lingerie, I'll play with the makeup, I'll embrace my own body.
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And that doesn't make me weak, it makes me strong.