4.10.22 // Lost My Intuition

I think I lost my intuition.
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I think I lost her somewhere along the way to being the woman I was supposed to be.
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The tricky part is that I thought she was with me. I thought my intuition was as loud as ever, but it turns out that the loud voice echoing in my mind was just a fragment of my perfectionism mixed with desperation to meet others' expectations.
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This voice shows up as pressure, an anxious suffocating kind of pressure, that urges me to make decisions with logical scenario thinking. It shows up with an intention to fix, to "help," to find some level of control over myself or my surroundings.
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The voice I have become so familiar with was not my intuition.
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My intuition, if anything, had grown quiet from years of neglect. Knowing that even if she spoke up she wouldn't be trusted.
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So how do I gain her trust? To prove that I want to hear her voice in my head and slowly learn to silence the perfectionism tones I have grown to prioritize?
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It's in nanoseconds, the smallest moments, the reactions.
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I've been told by my therapist that I have a lightning-fast response mechanism rooted in perfectionism and people-pleasing. But, if I can slow down the response, if I can take a breath between something happening and my reaction, I create space for my intuition, my wise mind, my truth to speak.
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But just because she speaks, doesn't mean I'll listen. It also requires my trust, trust in myself, trust to choose my intuition over "logic" overthinking, trust to believe that my knowing truly does know.
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And to trust myself means to look to others for answers less.
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The journey back to my intuitive voice is going to be a long one. I've been warned that it won't be easy but it will be worth it. And as I take steps towards space in processing, listening without distraction, and trusting without stipulations, I know this journey is exactly where I need to be.