1.25.23 // Memory Reconciliation

Memory reconciliation.
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When truth comes out after the consistent guise of lies, the picture and understanding of the world you knew so intimately dies.
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The hands in front of my face look foreign, not even recognizing the veins I used to trace.
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At first, I thought it was the memories from 1 month. Just a small blink in life. But the truth came out, as it always does, and that month transformed.
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Over a year, 14 months of memories that are no longer mine. Ripped from my understanding, my depths. No longer mine because the memories I held were ones rooted in promised truths, confirmed personhood, and aligned actions, but those confirmations, actions, and "truths" turned out to be a cover for someone else's secrets.
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Thinking about the memories from those 14 months feels like watching my life through a damaged film. It's as though I never experienced it because I never saw things clearly. The memories have become questions, the once answers and directions I took from them, became invisible trailheads that led me in circles.
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I take pride in acting to the best of my abilities given the invisible trailheads in my life for 14 months, but the pride feels like nothing compared to the pain. The glimmer of hope feels like a tiny star in a universe that hasn't been fully explored yet.
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The irony of truth, the thing that set me free, has caused the depths of pain to be felt, sent my body into shaking overdrive, and unlocked fears I didn't even know I needed to have.
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But the memories are where I am stuck, each detail smudged with charcoal from someone else's fire. Someone else's careless fire burned my understanding, my love, and me down.
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There is no question that taking time to reconcile the memories of what I thought was truth versus what actually was, is not only needed but mandatory...
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Because when truth comes out after the consistent guise of lies, the picture and understanding of the world you knew so intimately dies.
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But that doesn't mean we stop living. It doesn't mean we paralyze.