12.27.21 // Pride

Pride.
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I came face to face with my ego and she almost won…
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She almost kept me in her grasp, almost kept me in turmoil because she was too scared to let go, too controlling to relinquish her grip on me.
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But I prevailed.
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​8 months ago something happened that hurt me, deeply. But here’s the thing, I reacted terribly. Instead of calmly reacting which I’ve been busting my ass trying to do, I let the hurt turn into a monster. And I showed up with devil horns and the weight of all my hurt on my back.
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My poor reaction was not justified by the behavior that led me to that point. Events and life and people happen, we can only control our reactions. I didn’t control mine.
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And that’s where pride sunk in…
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I couldn’t give up the justification for my behavior even though it was wrong. I held tightly to my pride. Knowing I didn’t deserve the hurt. But ignoring that I didn’t deserve or have the right to be hurtful in return.
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​8 months and countless therapy sessions later, I see how my pride gripped me in her clutches so tight that I couldn’t see clearly, suffocating on my own righteousness.
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But finally, it’s clear. My apology doesn’t excuse the behavior or the hurt I get, but it does free me from the clutches of pride. It humbles me, it is the action of learning instead of simply understanding.
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And that action is slowly eradicating the stifling grasp of pride on my personhood.
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So instead of pride, I can have a little bit of proud.
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Proud for the work not just being learned but being practiced, for the deep talks that challenge and hurt and have to happen over and over again to learn, for not simply letting pride blur the vision of my true self- a self who owns up to my mistakes, my hurt, and apologizes instead of ignores.
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Proud over Pride.