7.9.22 // Seen the Fear

I’ve seen the fear of children.
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Of snakes, of the dark, of bullies and bandits.
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I’ve made sense of the fear of children.
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That snakes are helpful in the ecosystem, that the dark is beautiful because it has stars and ceases when the sun inevitably rises, and bullies and bandits say hurtful things because they too hurt inside.
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I’ve seen the fear of teenagers.
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Of the wrong clothes, of the right college, of the cruel words of classmates.
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I’ve made sense of the fear of teenagers.
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That clothes aren’t “right “ even if everyone else is wearing them, that there is no such thing as “right,” and classmates say hurtful things because they too hurt inside.
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I’ve seen the fear of adults.
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Of aging, of misaligned expectations and change, of loneliness so palpable it could break your heart.
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I’ve made sense of the fear of adults.
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That aging is beautiful and wisdom expands as wrinkles deepen, that change is beautiful and trust guiding instincts, that you’re not alone is the deep disconnection hurt.
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I’ve seen and made sense of fears for years. Talking my way out of them, finding an understanding so I could “let go. “
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But I was never really letting go because I was never letting myself see, sense, and feel the fear.
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Holding myself back I never allowed fear deep into my wholeness and heart. I was too scared after all.
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But now as I sit in some scary days, I’m not willing to intellect myself out of feeling anymore, I’m not willing to talk myself out of the fear.
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I’m scared and I am ready to feel it. I'm scared and I'm ready to turn it into excitement. I'm scared and I'm ready for it to be free.