9.12.20 // some days

Some days.
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Some days I’m happy.
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So happy, that my skin in buzzing with anticipation. Like I can sense the joy that fills my heart. I feel inspired, motivated, and unstoppable. Most recently, feeling happy because I’ve learned a new game, snuggled Scout in the morning, and started to learn the art of slowing down.
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Some days I feel frustrated.
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So frustrated that I get angry. Those closest to me can not only hear it in my voice but often are the target to my lashing out. Most recently, I’ve been able to catch my frustrations as things I can’t control, cognitive distortions, or the worst one for me- lower physical back pain. I’ve been lucky to never have back pain even with my 2-24inch metal rods in my spine. But ever since stepping foot into San Francisco a couple weeks ago, there has been an aching feeling I can’t shake which makes me immobile, causing my active body physical frustration.
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Somedays I’m anxious.
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So anxious that I have to message my therapist and ask for help. When anxiety hits, I used to just retreat, but now when the world feels too heavy and I become controlling in my signature anxious ways, I find help. And in a time of a pandemic, getting comfortable with that outreach, having honest conversations about my anxiety with those around me, and being candid here, helps those anxious days.
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These are just a few of the emotions and feelings I have, sometimes all in the same day.
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And while some of them aren’t “positive” by societal standards, these feelings make me who I am, they make me human.
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It’s easy to deny ourselves any feelings that come across as “negative,” because we are taught to do that from a young age.
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But what would happen if we leaned into our humanity as a society, as a whole?
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Would our new world be one rooted in more understanding, more vulnerability, and more truth?
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I like to think so...