1.31.22 // I Can't Stop Thinking about Running

I can’t stop thinking about running... [tw: injury].
.
I can't stop thinking about the feeling of my body moving forward, feet on the packed dirt trails, breath steady, long strides on the downhill, short quick strides on the uphill. I can't stop playing this feeling through my mind.
.
But the irony is, last week I was told I have patellofemoral pain in my right knee. The pain has been developing slowly but has intensified over the last month.
.
Now those gentle gliding steps I attempt are riddled with a consistent tweak if my foot strikes just a little off...
.
Then add in the mental layer- the fear of a painful tweak has completely changed my whole stride, desperately overcompensating, breathing ragged, arms swinging weirdly- it's a mess.
.
It's funny because I've never considered myself a runner, but I didn’t realize how much I was one until running was taken away from me.
.
I've really hit a stride with running these last 4 months. I was excited to run. It was clicking for me in a way that running never had before.
.
So, if I'm completely honest with you, I'm bitter... but what is worse is that I’m scared. I'm scared that this new pain will be my new norm. It's mostly irrational thinking, but it doesn't make the tears any less real when I'm out on a walk and attempt a few running strides, and the pain stops me.
.
But, just like my experience with the doctor in Mexico, I'm sharing my hard things and writing about the big feelings I'm having in hopes that you too can feel the big feelings, the fears, the truths, and the vulnerabilities that it takes to be human.
.
And while you can't find me on the trails right now, you can find me treading water behind the senior citizen aqua fit class here at the rec center in Squamish, where just like in life, I'll be working to keep my head above water.