9.16.22 // Whistler Alpine Meadows (WAM 50k)

Last weekend I ran my first ultramarathon.
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50 kilometers and 3500m vertical gain (31 miles and 11,500ft).
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In the weeks leading up to the race, I was having a blast. Spending hours in the mountains surrounding Squamish, testing out snacks and fueling, learning how my body reacted on longer days.
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In the week leading up to the race, I was falling apart. I felt anxiety creeping in. I was having nightmares about racing, struggling to rest before the race- my body was angry at the dramatic slowdown, and I felt scared of what this type of distance and vert would do to my body (I'm built with two 24-inch rods in my back, the flex just ISN'T there). My mental game was at a low point, some other things going on in my personal life also threw off my game, not to mention as a female "athlete" my cycle and hormones were completely off for the type of activity I was trying to do.
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In the hours during the race, I was back to having fun but in a disassociated way. Starting in the dark at 5 am, I followed headlamps and footsteps in front of me. I listened to the sounds of early morning birds, the wind in the trees, and fellow runners breathing. I chatted with women who passed me, complimenting their tattoos, or bonding over the impact that Glennon Doyle has made on our lives. Taylor played voice notes from a couple of my best friends and family for emotional support. I teared up, I laughed, I bitched - especially when I let too much time go between food and water intake. I ate so many pickles, pancakes, quesadillas, running snack bars, and Tailwind drink mixes. I ran, I skipped, and most importantly, I walked (A LOT).
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In the last few minutes of the race, I crossed the finish line, hand in hand with Taylor and I couldn't believe it. The tears I had held in throughout the trail came out without hesitation... There were friends, familiar faces, and so much love and pride.
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I have ebbed and I have flowed since signing up for this 50k race. But the one thing I've learned in the weeks leading up to the race and the actual race is that the flow, the paradox, the good high feeling, and the low "failure" feeling are all inevitable. Not only inevitable but a microcosm of life, a deeply human life.