9.26.21 // What Scares You?

I always love asking people "what scares you."
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It's something I ask myself a lot and the answers over the years have changed drastically.
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If you asked me in high school- snakes. I was just starting to get into trail running and I was spending all my free time outside in the hills of East Tennessee. Copperheads, water moccasins, and rattlesnakes were the fears deepest in my heart.
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If you asked me in college- not fitting in. I transferred schools to be with someone I loved, but the place I ended up didn't feel like me. Pulled away from nature, I pushed myself behind black iron gates and perfectly matching stone buildings. I was so scared people would see me as an outsider. And to be fair, I was an outsider, but I hadn't accepted that yet and I feared if others saw my truth then I'd have to own up to it.
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If you asked me as a young adult in Washington D.C.- settling. Settling for a job that kept me in a cube where I didn't see the daylight all day long. Settling in a city that didn't feel like home. Settling for a life that would have been beautiful but would have left me longing...
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If you asked me as a late-twenty-something in San Francisco- uncertainty. I was so scared of what I didn't know, of the future, of my own potential, of anything that challenged my status quo of safety or what I perceived as safety (my routine, my job, etc).
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If you asked me now- there are so many things that scare me. Because I'm human, I have fear along with all the other beautiful and complicated emotions that get to call my brain and body home. But the question "what scares you," no longer threatens to unravel my tightly wound knot of denial...
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I have fear. That doesn't make me weak, that makes me real. And if I'm honest, sometimes that fear is wonderful, because it is a guide back to my intuition and a window into what is going on in my deep inner world. Sometimes that inner world isn't beautiful, but refusing to look through the window doesn't make that world go away.
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*Please remember that fears are fears with privilege. I'm not fearing for my life because of my skin color, my sexuality, or my religion. I recognize my privilege.*