8.23.21 // chronic self-invalidation

"You have chronic self-invalidation."
.
My therapist said this in our last session and when those words came tumbling through my phone, I knew she was right.
.
I'm my own worst enemy and I'm constantly looking for ways to put myself down, make myself feel small, or compare myself to others so I can prove to my perfectionist side that I'm not good enough.
.
I'm a bully.
.
I am a ruthless, relentless, and wicked bully.
.
But, I bully myself.
.
I would never speak a syllable of the harsh words I tell myself to another soul. I would never. But, just because the words are only spoken in my own mind (occasionally slipping into the realm of reality as harsh judgments of self), doesn't change the fact that I am a tyrant in my own head about my existence - my career, my body, my actions, etc.
.
I don't let bullies into my external-facing life, but here I am internally taking punches at my own confidence and self-esteem. I'm in a cycle of trying to heal myself while also cutting myself down on a daily basis.
.
My internal narrative needs to change.
.
I know it's not easy to change this. I've been having these types of conversations with therapists for years, but I just can't keep feeling this way. I can't keep throwing punches at myself and expecting myself to get back only to take it all over again. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted from bullying myself.
.
I know self-love has been such a hot topic these days, but let's be honest, I'm not even looking for "love," I'm merely looking for radical acceptance at this point.
.
So today, I'm trying to take down my bully, put her in the ground, and mourn the loss of that side of me. Because, in truth, that bullying side is simply trying to keep me alive, she is a protector, she is a guard, but it is time for her to go.
.
So as I lay flowers on her grave and move towards radical acceptance, I hope those flowers will one day bloom into self-love and it'll all come from the soil and roots of that same side of me, that protected me in all the wrong ways but had the best intentions...