12.15.21 // Explaining Why

To have an opinion without needing to explain why...
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This is something I'm finding I keep coming back to in my therapy sessions. Because I grapple with a deep need to justify/explain/ "context" my actions, my thoughts, and myself.
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This deep-rooted desire stems from perfectionism and my people-pleasing struggle. My explanation is an urge to act, to force myself to understand my actions, and explain to others why I believe something, want something, am something.
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But, I am learning slowly that I simply do not need to do this.
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I'm allowed to answer questions with "just because" and "I don't know" or "it just works for me" without feeling guilty.
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The guilt is a narrative I'm telling myself. For example, I think if I don't have the answers for why I want X, Y, or Z, then I'm going to let someone else down or I won't be "understood" or worse I won't be "respected" for my choice - seeking external validation.
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Because of this fear, I force myself to explain, in hopes of mitigating that risk which only results in letting myself down, putting myself in constant chaos of examination and self-analysis (and world analysis), and lack of trust in my own intuition.
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For those of you who read these words and can relate, you know that the internal dialogue of a people-pleaser can be endless.
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Even as I write, " just because" as an example, my perfectionist dialogue is challenging me with "you're not allowed to say this" and "then are really doing the inner work of getting to know yourself and the world around you" or any variation or harsh criticizing of unmeetable expectations.
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And while my perfectionist side screams out of love to try and keep me safe by keeping me "perfect," even a phrase as simple as "just because" is a key to a door I am desperately seeking because it leads to freedom. So much mental relief and freedom.