8.15.22 // Feeling Myself Slip

I’m feeling myself slipping again.
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Losing myself in your world.
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But I’m good at this.
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I’m an expert.
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For years, I’ve shown up how you or anyone else needed me to.
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I lost myself in the expectations you so expertly said don’t exist.
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And yet when we fall so easily back into your world, my perfect mask slipping back into place with a delicate smile, you think nothing of it, and to be honest, I think nothing of it too at the start.
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But eventually, my cheeks start to ache, my nodding along with everything that is said aches my neck, and I can see the progress I’ve made to find my voice becoming silenced with each moment I dull myself down.
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To be palatable.
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One moment I had worked to remove my mask and the next moment she was firm on my face, fear, anxious worry, denial of myself returning​ wrapped around me​ like a warm safe blanket but feeling like a douse of cold water.
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But maybe it isn’t just me anymore. Maybe my mask has fallen back on my face because, in reality, I don’t feel safe.
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I don’t feel safe being myself in your world.