11.7.22 // Fighting for my Weaknesses

Why do I keep fighting for my weaknesses?
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Maybe you've been there before too...
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Someone gives me a compliment:
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"Wow, you're running so fast!"
"You look stunning tonight!"
"Thanks for listening, you're great at hearing me."
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And I respond:
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"No, no, no this isn't fast, did you see XYZ's Strava?!"
"Ugh, I don't look stunning, my shirt is wrinkled and my hair is a mess."
"Oh no, it's no big deal, I'm good at listening, but I'm really bad at sharing."
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Instead of basking in my strengths and letting others see them and celebrate them too, I pivot to point out my weaknesses. I actively try to bring up the less sparkly and bright parts of me. It's like I am trying to dim my own light by showing you my darkness, as if the darkness will hide me completely.
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It's in these dark dimming moment's that I try to disappear by "humbling" myself, but in reality, it isn't humble to make yourself small, to make yourself disappear. To be humble is to show modesty, but it isn't to make yourself disappear.
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Why do I shy away from the light? Because being seen, fully seen, is one of the most vulnerable, beautiful, and terrifying things you can do. To put yourself out there in your bright and sparkly light and to find that others can't see it, won't see it, or don't appreciate it- that is some scary shit.
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But that isn't a reflection of me, it's a reflection of them, and shining less brightly, pointing out my weakness, only hurts me...
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So while I like the shadows because they are safe, they leave me less than fulfilled, often frustrated, and consistently disappointed in myself and others for letting me stay there. But it's my choice to stay in the shadows and also my choice to step out, from my shadows and from yours, to take on the scary, to risk my comfort for the potential of something so much greater.