3.26.22 // Found Myself

I wish I could tell you that I've found myself.
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I wish I could tell you that after years of hiding her away, I've found her.
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I've found her deep in the thickets of my heart. My body is bloody and tired from pulling back the thorns that have been so diligently placed for protection to keep me from myself.
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But with tired hands and aching feet, I fall to my knees with tears staining my cheeks, because she is nothing like I thought she would be.
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My heart broke when I realized that who I expected to be hidden behind the thorns was a further continuation of my own expectations desperately trying to find rationalization.
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I wish I could tell you that when I found her in the depths of the darkness we knew each other, but we were strangers with a lot left to discover.

But neither of us turned away, instead, we held quiet grief and gentle curiosity, knowing that time and space would help break the animosity.
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And while I expected to know her, she expected me to never show up. She didn't think I would ever find her. She didn't think I would come. She thought she would slowly fade until the thickets took her back to where she came from.
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But here we are, exhausted but changed, in love yet estranged.
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I wish I could tell you that while the journey to get to her has ended, the journey to know her has just been presented.