3.23.22 // To Be There Alone

This is me.
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Unwashed hair, makeup-free, and on my first true solo hike since I've been back in North America. I've gone on short runs solo, but no hikes in the mountains with just Scout and my thoughts.
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And I wish I could say it was easy, but it wasn't. The hike was incredible, but the mental hurdle was bigger than I expected...
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I'm an extremely independent person but getting outside alone was daunting and as I sat at the kitchen table drinking my coffee, my mind was racing through all of the scenarios where things could go wrong.
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Wildlife- could I handle an interaction with a bear? Injury- would my knee pain flare up? Scout- would she be stoked to hike with just me? Trail conditions- would I feel comfortable navigating icy trails?
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A million reasons raced through my mind and told me that I shouldn't go. And I almost didn't...
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But I took the first step, I left the apartment.
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I was nervous in the car but my “hype” playlist helped a little. And when I got to the trailhead I was still skeptical. So skeptical, that I intentionally left my trail running vest behind because I "knew" that it wouldn't be a long hike.
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I started moving and as soon as Scout and I had some distance from the car, our energy was unmatched. We were gunning up the mountain.
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I was worried after the anxiety-ridden morning that I'd have to carry my heavy thoughts up the mountain, but as soon as the movement started, the heavy thoughts dissipated.
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I know that a big part of this nasty, fearful voice in my head that was so full of doubt as I drank my coffee was lingering covid anxiety that existed to try and keep me safe. I'm ready to show that voice that I am safe, I am prepared, and I can handle myself on the mountain.
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And being at the top of the mountain was like taking a deep breath after holding my lungs hostage. It was the most freeing feeling to be there and to be there alone. I was so light I felt like I could drift off into the clouds.
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I hope if this post serves as anything, it serves as a reminder for me and for you, that getting out the door is the hardest part if you have lingering anxiety but your body knows what to do, and your mind will eventually follow.