12.28.20 // friendship

Friendship.
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As I kick off my 30s I want to address something I've been thinking a lot about in my 29th year.
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The definition of friendship as it means to me.
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I think everyone has their own version of friendship- what the give and take looks like, how it works for them, and who they are willing to figure it all out with.
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With the world slowing in early 2020, I spent a lot of time thinking about what "friendship" entails. And while "friend" is a seemingly simple word it packs an extremely intricate and variable definition for each of us.
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But here is one important note...
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As I've done this digging into myself, I've realized that often in my past and sometimes in my present I find myself compromising "friendship" to hopefully find some way to work a person into my definition of "friend."
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This is one of the most powerful and startling realizations I've made over the last year (too long to list in my list of 30 things).
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While I'm still learning to hold true to my boundaries, needs, and abilities as a friend, I've realized that I have made compromises to some.
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And with those compromises, there are consistent moments of disappointment. Am I disappointed in them? Sure, but unfairly so. Am I disappointed in myself? Absolutely. It is because I keep wanting to try and fit this person into my version of friendship. It's masochistic in reality. I hurt myself because I want them to be in my orbit, but in reality, our definitions of friendship are in fact, vastly different.
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I think when I finally decide to let go, I'll be in a more beautiful place. The humans by my side will be the ones who can meet me where I'm at. Not that those relationships will be perfect, but we will be willing and wanting to work on us together.