11.10.20 // this is me

This is me.
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A few days ago, someone asked me, "do you have any specific things you're working towards currently?"
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It was a conversation with a new friend, but that line caught me by surprise.
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I thought to myself, "uhhhhhhhhh."
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And that night as I went to bed I tossed and turned, wondering what my goals were. Had I strayed so far from my goals that I lost them and didn't even realize it? OR, did I even have goals??
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For days, my brain turned this question over and over in my head.
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Needless to say, it wasn't his intention to throw me such a curveball of a question accidentally, but here I was, days later, thinking about his question.
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But, the truth of the matter is that my once long set goals have shifted because my mindset around hard and fast rules of the future have faded. For so many years, I lived in the future. I lived in the mentality of "one day when I X" or "I need to make X to be Y" or "I need to be the best X to prove I'm capable."
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Not only was that thinking toxic, but it also kept me living in a place that didn't exist, the future. Instead, I now like to live in the present. It's taken a long time to get here, but it's the only real-time that exists.
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I take pleasure in having small goals and guidelines, but I like to let my north star guide me in a less specific or goal-related way. That's why I couldn't answer the question and for days I was left stumbling over my thoughts.
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And in the end, perhaps my north star is made up of morals and truths rather than goals and expectations.