5.3.24 // Grief

Grief.
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"You can't control grief by subtracting joy from your life." - The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control.
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I listened to this quote through my headphones on repeat two or three times before jotting it down in my notes. "You can't control grief by subtracting joy from your life."
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In my past, constricting joy when my heart ached or my emotions turmoiled in grief was as habitual as making coffee in the morning.
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I would become that emotion in totality when I felt grief or any of its by-products- sadness, anger, resentment, failure, or heartbreak. I would let myself feel sadness and become despair, questioning my worth and taking away the beautiful things in my life. I would see darkness and think I was darkness.
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I did not understand that I was self-sabotaging myself through limiting beliefs. I saw the darkness as my totality, not just a passing tunnel, with light waiting for me on the other side.
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I also wouldn't use my own light to get me out of the darkness; I wouldn't let my light shine. I would dim myself, dull myself, and shrink myself as if I could somehow make myself small enough to simply make the feelings disappear and myself along with them. It was as if I could become darkness and fade into my surroundings.
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I subtracted joy as the light in my life to the extent of pitch-black darkness. But grieving isn't just one period or one moment, and you can't control it by sitting in the darkness, or worse, becoming the darkness.
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Letting yourself have joy while grieving, even if fleeting, doesn't make the grieving less real; you don't have to continue to suffer as an act of solidarity with the emotions you are feeling. Grieving is allowed to come in waves. You are allowed to have moments of feeling normal, sane, pleasure, and calm, and know that in the depths of your heart, grief still has its home there.
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Maybe the grief and feelings associated with it will always live in your heart, but there is no limit to what you can feel, so letting the joy live side by side with grief and allowing the light to gently touch the dark is both an act of bravery and deep self-kindness.
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Remember, the joy doesn't erase the grieving, and I can see your depth and your heart even if you're smiling through it.