4.30.24 // My Body in the Middle

My body feels like it's somewhere in the middle.
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The middle of strong and weak, the middle of thick and thin, the middle of love and hate, the middle of appreciation and critique, the middle of pride and shame, the middle of young and old, the middle of celebration and judgment, the middle of content and disappointed, the middle of past and present.
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Some might say I've found equilibrium; some might say I've done the work to find balance. After all, that is the goal we are sold.
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But it doesn't feel like I've reached a goal. It feels like I'm on a scale that, while yes, at the moment, is balanced, could tip in a disastrous direction at any moment.
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The middle feels like the word "fine." It isn't good or bad; it isn't a place of feeling at all, but it isn't apathetic or accepting, either.
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The middle- the disassociation- is where a perspective pivot needs to happen. To come back online, I have to reassociate with the ability to trust the security of the well-balanced scale.
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Why bother? Because feeling the love and celebration of my body is worth the risk and fear of the scale tipping a disastrous slip towards old disordered thinking- hatred, disappointment, judgment, shame, and critique towards my body.
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Coming back into association and love of my body and trust in the scale means knowing that on the other side of the harsh and harrowing scale, there is a beautiful sensation of love, contentment, celebration, pride, and appreciation for this incredible home my body provides.
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And what an incredible home she is if I see her as such, not something to disassociate from, fear, or step back from.