1.18.22 // I'm Not

I am not the person I was when you met me.
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I don't know if I'd recognize her if I saw her. That old version of myself...
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Her insecurities bursting at her seams, her inability to slow down, running ragged, her desperate attempts to run away from herself failing because like the moon, she is the same no matter what sky you look at her from...
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She was like a coyote in the wild, stalking, prowling, searching for something.
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I am still stalking and searching but it isn't cold and full of desperation like the woman those many years ago, now the search is a curious chase, an enrollment in the school of humanity and existence.
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Now, I don't run from myself but run towards myself.
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I have found home in myself- in my own loving arms, thoughts, and needs. No longer needing to find home externally through my location, my friends, or my partners.
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Most would find this twist of priorities confusing, desperate to turn the new status quo to the old one, but you've not only encouraged me to grow, but have approached me with a renewed curiosity each year, each month, and sometimes each day. Holding my fluid changing being in the utmost regard.
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I used to hold myself to an unchanging status, pride streaming at my predictability and ability to tell you exactly who I was. I was definable.
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And now, I'm not. None of us are. Humans are by definition not definable in our infinite and continual growth and our abilities to learn. But this used to scare me, and now it frees me. And you let me fly free when most would want to keep me in a cage.
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I don't know who I'll be in a few years, a few months, or even later today. I know I'll change and look back with loving eyes on the growth of the woman I once was.
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And you'll change too.