3.9.22 // "Mindfulness"

I've always had issues with the word "mindfulness."
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For me, it invokes this vision of "that person" who is just incredible at meditation or a yogi who can meditate for hours (Liz Gilbert at the end of the "Pray" section of her book). I envision mindfulness to be perfect stillness, calm, and quiet.
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Because I thought this, the word was grating for me to hear since this “perfect” version of mindfulness has always felt deeply allusive. I do not excel at being calm, quiet, or meditative. I've gotten better at enjoying stillness in recent years, but I wouldn't say I'm "good" at it by any means. My stillness isn't sexy like it is marketed as. It's messy and hard and takes a ton of effort.
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But, that narrative I was told and sold (especially through social media) isn't mindfulness. Sure, meditation is mindfulness, but it isn't limited to that.
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Mindfulness is, "the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something" or " a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations."
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Mindfulness is just awareness. It isn't meditation, it isn't yoga, it isn't whatever the latest "wellness" trend is. It is simply being aware of your surroundings externally and yourself internally.
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It's wild how much my reactions change when I notice the internal landscape of my heart or mind-shifting...
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Starting to tumble into a defensive reaction, noticing that shift, and gently asking why has led to a lot of learnings about myself and my insecurities.
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When I am uncomfortable in a restaurant or with friends, I take a second to look around- is the music too loud? Am I thirsty? Am I feeling like I'm wearing a mask to "try to be someone" the person I'm with will like, rather than being my whole messy self?
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Mindfulness is just awareness. And while I don't find mindfulness sexy like I've been marketed it should be, awareness is pretty damn sexy and enlightening.
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Because if I can't change a situation, awareness keeps me curious about myself and who I am and what I need.