3.7.22 // Speaking Your Needs

To expect someone to know your needs without ever speaking to them is absurd, right?
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Yet, this behavior is not only expected but deeply romanticized.
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I've done it in my previous life, in dating and friendships, and I've seen countless friends fall victim to this behavior too.
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The number of times I've heard some version of "well he didn't do XYZ" or "he didn't text me first, clearly he isn't interested" is countless. And in my younger days, I would have just chalked all of this up to the "dating" game.
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But in those situations, I was the only one playing the game and I was losing.
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I chose guessing, assumptions, and unspoken expectations to dictate both my dating life and my friendships because I didn't know that communicating clearly, setting boundaries, and asking for what I wanted/needed was actually way healthier than playing a losing guessing game.
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But, not only did I expect someone to know what I wanted, I would go out of my way to do things that I thought other people would want. Did they ask me to do that thing? No. I just had a lovely narrative in my own mind of what I thought they wanted instead of giving them the space to speak on their own behalf, I just assumed. I also NEVER stopped to ask.
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So not only did I not create space for folks as adult humans to speak up, but I didn't ask. A simple action and yet, it felt so wrong because "shouldn't I naturally know what my partner or friend wants?!"
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Looking back now, I know that my behavior of trying to meet someone's unspoken needs, having my own unspoken expectations comes from my early family life. It's people-pleasing, but it's also a version of people-pleasing that is deeply romanticized in western culture. So I've been consistently validated that this is the "right" way of being.
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But, no more.
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Communication, clear communication, is fun, is sexy.
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Even communication to ask for no communication. Phew, so HOT!
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I'm going to romanticize the hell out of communication because that is the behavior I can get behind. No more narratives, no more assumptions. I won't assume what you want, and hopefully, you won't assume what I want. Ask me, I promise I'll tell you. And I'll do the same for you!