12.21.21 // My North Star

My North Star.
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Recently I was asked, "what is your 'north star,' or your highest guiding principles for decision making, and how have they changed over the years?”
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Ironically, I just got a tattoo that is evocative of a north star... It is meant to be representative of finding my direction even though the meaning and context of how I find that direction changes over time...
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So, naturally, I loved this question.
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In my twenties, my decisions were guided by other people's opinions. I wanted to people please so damn much. I wanted to gain the respect of my family and friends, to really "make something of myself" while also being "digestible" or palatable for others.
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I didn't challenge the status quo much during this period, I wanted to be delightful and that meant my north star was really hidden. I moved forward following the guidance of other people's lanterns in the dark rather than my own night sky. I wouldn't change that period though, I learned a lot looking back on it now (of course, I wish I hadn't built such cruddy habits from that period).
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During this period I learned what it meant to go WITH the grain of societal expectations, how easy it is to slip into that way of living, and to gain the praise of peers. But I also learned how it felt to give myself away and to feel lost on my own path.
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Now, I don't know if I have true "north stars" so much as I just have a stronger intuition and gut feeling.
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It's taken a long time to let that little voice in the back of my mind finally speak up, and even longer for me to start listening. But my body has strong reactions to things now... places, people, moments, and I think that is my north star shining in the darkness- giving me guidance on what feels good, right, and leading me towards my truth.
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But each day I try to keep my night sky clear and trust that the north star is always shining, even if I can't see it, even if I have the darkest nights.