7.5.24 // Proud of Me

I wonder if she would be proud of me…?
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4 years old and the world is wide, but she loved to dance, dress up, and to spend time with her mom.
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I imagine she would ask if I still dance, and the heartbreaking answer would be, on most days, no. I would tell her I dance around the kitchen when I’m home alone and with our golden retriever (yes! We have a dog!!). I imagine she would remind me of the joy of dancing, both in the kitchen, and anywhere the music played…
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I imagine she would ask if we still play dress up, and again, I would say no. But I would tell her I’m working on getting back to exploring outfits and styles. I would tell her I have a collection of hats and she would be so excited (she always insisted on a big hat for Easter Sunday)…
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I imagine she would ask if I still hang out with mom, and again I would tell her no. While yes we talk frequently, there are miles between us and responsibilities that often keep mom at bay. But I’d tell her we are working on finding more times for our paths to cross…
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I imagine she would ask if I was happy, and I would gently tell her happiness is complicated, but I feel all of the emotions and my optimism is often fueled by the little girl that she is, still living inside of me. And while I’ve veered away from some of the actions that bring us so much joy, her little voice rings in my head and her heart, much bigger than her body, is still carried with me every day.
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I think she would be proud even if she didn’t understand why I stopped dancing, dressing up, and living next to my mom. I think she would nudge me though, to come back to us, to do the things we love and not be afraid to dance at the front of the class, to boldly wear the clothes that are fun and funky, and to find more moments with mom…
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I think, while I’d want her to be proud of me, I would end up being so proud of her. Proud and inspired by a little girl who fears nothing and knows herself better than I think I know myself as an adult.