5.19.21 // this is me.

This is me.
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This is me learning to slow down...again.
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One of the funniest and most humbling parts of being on a journey of understanding myself and finding my truth is the fact that I will continually need to "try" to do some things until they become second nature.
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Case and point- slowing down.
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I did a great job a few months back slowing down. Italy had the last lockdown, and I stowed away in a beautiful spot near Campo Di' Fiori and found a beautiful routine in yoga, painting (poorly), journaling, connecting with friends, exercise, etc. DONE! Right?
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So so wrong. In my mind, I had checked the box of slowing down. I was proud of myself. The achiever part of me danced inside that checked box, ready to move on to the next chapter of my chaotic mind.
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I let my guard down and let myself become unstable because I thought I had "done" the slowing down.
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But to slow down and find contentment in stability, I'll need to keep working until it becomes second nature, a habit, a friend as powerful as my "achiever."
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So here I am, slowing down again, learning to calm the chaos. And my god, it's wild how much chaos can ensue from a few months off from the slow.
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My mind quite literally rebels against me as I find still moments, "bored" moments where I need to go inward instead of seeking external distractions. It whispers unkind words, it tries to unravel who I am, desperately looking at others in jealous eyes or judgments to distract from looking inwardly.
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But it's the journey. One that I'm grateful to be on even in the dark whispers, knowing that there is only one way forward if I truly want to leave behind the chaos of an old self.