3.24.21 // cities

Cities have never felt like home to me.
.
When I think back to the moments where I lived in cities, I am greeted by the memories of my continual attempts to escape them.
.
When I lived in San Francisco for several years, I would remote work on Fridays to get a head start over the Bay Bridge. If you left late you'd be stuck in traffic, but even on the days where I was stuck in the traffic I felt immense relief that I was on my way out. The Bay Bridge and the Golden Gate bridge were my gateways back to myself after weeks spent in too close quarters with other humans, loud noises, and places where my priorities weren't my own.
.
When I lived in Washington, DC, I felt stir crazy on the weekends so I'd frequent the Georgetown Tow Path which led straight out of DC and into more remote areas, where I'd catch my breath and pretend like I was running away from the rat race, the politics, and places where my priorities weren't my own.
.
When I lived in Memphis, TN, I spent my free time aching for nature. Spending my weekends at Shelby Farms, which has long meandering trails through fields, but for me, it was not enough. I spent that time on the trail daydreaming of big mountains, beautiful gusts of alpine air, and places where my priorities were aligned with the place.
.
And here I am in a city, a city that doesn't have the big mountains or the sweet alpine air I've been smelling for years.
.
How long I'm going to be here is undecided, but this is unlike any of my other city experiences because, with the pandemic regulations, I cannot run away.
.
There is no hopping to other locations in Italy, spending weekends in small mountain towns, or train rides to alpine air.
.
These moments in Rome, these last few weeks have been some of the most challenging. One of the biggest reasons why is that this place is testing the core belief I've held since I was 18: to run from cities because they aren't home.
.
Do I want to keep this core belief? Part of me does and finds comfort in that familiarity. But ultimately, no​, ​I want to be able to find a home anywhere, to find beauty in the cobblestone histories that cities hold as much as I see the beauty in the towering mountains.