1.26.21 // international travel during a pandemic

I'm in Italy.
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This means that I did my first international trip during a pandemic...
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Here was my experience?
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First, I should disclaimer that I already have travel anxiety. I didn't travel internationally until I was 27 when I went to Thailand with my best friend Nick. That trip and every international trip after that, I've had nagging anxiety, will I know where I am going, will I be able to stutter out the native tongue enough to ask for what I need (I'm absolutely abhorrent at languages other than English)?
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Throw in my knack to be an extreme perfectionist, it's a pretty gnarly mental place.
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Then on top of all of that, add in a pandemic.
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Already feeling travel anxiety and perfectionism, the pandemic created on top of those, guilt. The guilt for traveling when so many people are staying home. The guilt from so many people feeling pandemic fatigue and I had the gift to travel and spend time with my partner who is transitioning to a long-distance partner at the end of this week.
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I was a jittery mess under my KN95 mask for the 17 hours of travel to Italy.
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However, the travel was as smooth as it could be given the circumstances. A COVID test 72 hours before the flight, one at the Atlanta airport, and one at the Rome airport kept us safe.
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Even with all of these preventative measures, the experience to travel internationally had me remembering that I don't need to love international travel. The societal pressure to love travel, to lust over the wander is just a construct reinforced with our lust for the excess.
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I don't need to love international travel, I just need to have curiosity. Not a lust for the wander but a question for what wandering means, where it can lead, and who I could meet or who I could become. I need to remember that the feeling of being uncomfortable is beautiful and that I don't need to compare myself to other people who can flow through international travel with great ease.
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This trip helped me remember that. It helped me remember to see the constructs and pressure, to remember to see myself, and to let myself feel the uncomfortable again.