5.05.21 // a swirl of negative thoughts

I woke up this morning in a swirl of negative thoughts.
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I felt consumed by a sadness I couldn't explain. The tears slowly falling from the corner of my eyes, soaking my cheeks, and dampened the hair tucked behind my ears.
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I woke up this morning in one of the most beautiful places, but even amidst the beauty, I struggled.
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Of course, in my sadness came anger for "ruining" a morning that "should be" perfect in a place as stunning as the Amalfi Coast.
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The anger in my mind taunting the sadness, "Why are you crying?" "How dare you ruin this morning!" "Can't these feelings go away while you're in such a beautiful place!" "COME ON!"
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My anger demanded I stuff down my sadness, demanded that I stay in my shame cycle and avoid addressing the deep feelings of angst. And for several hours, as the sun rose and I laid in bed in the cycle of shame, I felt paralyzed. Numbing my sadness with emails and attempts at distraction.
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I found myself betraying my own encouragement to others, to get up, to see the light, to lean into my humanity.
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Eventually dragging myself out of bed, I forced myself to embrace the sadness- to think about her, to lift her, to try and understand her.
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And when I climbed out onto the porch and let the wind kiss my face, my sadness spoke to me with explanations of overwhelmed exhaustion and fears of the future.
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While my sadness spoke to me, I didn't try to make her disappear, to explain my way out of her fears and concerns. I just let her be and even at that moment she found sunshine on her face too and lifted like the tears on my face towards the sunshine, evaporating into the sky, even if only for a moment.
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I imagine my sadness will be back today, and perhaps tomorrow too, and I think I'm ready for that, to feel her worry and to hold her in the sunshine.