12.15.22 // "Too Much"

It is a pretty jarring feeling when you feel like you’re too much.
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Second-guessing your worth when you are sitting at a table and you want nothing more than those sitting around it to see you and hold you.
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Leaving the door wondering “fuck, did I show up with too much energy?! Did I ‘interview’ them by accidentally letting my curiosity get the best of me?”
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It’s the most brutal piece of feedback I’ve gotten in a long time… “Liz, you’re in interview mode.”
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It felt like a dagger to more than my heart, it felt like a dagger to my soul, because curiosity is the crux of who I’ve found myself to be, when I think about that part of me inside my big beautiful heart, I think so fondly of her… she seems both ancient and childlike. So being told my curiosity was coming across as an “interview” was like a nightmare to my soul.
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And it has had me second-guessing everything. It has me examining the truth I held dear like a northern light and wondering if instead of a bright star guiding me home, she was just another piece of space junk floating across an otherwise perfectly speckled night sky.
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If you’ve ever had to examine a part of yourself as familiar and loved as looking in your own eyes and wondered if they really are the color that you’ve seen all those years, you know this feeling.
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I’m so sorry if that resonates.
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And I wish I could say it’s not your insecurity, it’s theirs that is showing up and that would make it all better. But knowing that doesn’t change the sting. The sting of being unknown, unseen, and challenged in your worth.