1.14.21 // trusting myself

Am I trusting myself?
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I ask myself this question constantly.
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"Trust" might be my word of the year, but I'm far from comfortable with its definition in use.
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And for today, I'm only talking about trust in myself...I struggle to trust myself because of so many reasons.
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One of those reasons being that from the core of my being, I want to people-please. I want to make others smile, to make them happy, to make them feel warm, to make them feel cared for, and to make them feel loved.
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Often this deep desire to make others feel loved comes at a cost of self-betrayal.
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Overexerting to the point of losing myself in a flurry of decisions, no longer knowing which choice to render myself to, I find myself paralyzed in indecision. So often my decisions are laced with the needs of others, a way of keeping myself from myself...
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I found that a major cause of my deep-rooted need to people-please is my inability to trust myself.
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Trusting myself is incredibly hard work, it goes against so many years of conditioning.
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So naturally, I avoid it. I avoid it in what society deems as "honorable" ways, selfless to my own detriment in so many respects.
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But, learning to trust myself, means learning to trust my voice, learning to trust my body, and learning to trust who I am and how I show up in the world.
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Trusting myself isn't letting myself tell stories in my head, writing elaborate narratives of places, people, or things that are in my life. Trusting myself isn't letting myself do or say something just to make others happy. Trusting myself isn't letting myself treat my body like it needs to wither away if it's not perfect by societal standards.
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It's a strange sensation to question if you trust yourself all the time. But the question is hardly strange when you consider you could answer "no."